Ugh

Ok I've broken down to caveman language for titles. I was doing the whole "phrases the boss uses" thing but the most recent one that's funny is just his goofy laugh and I don't know how to put that into words. You just gotta hear it. Ok in writing that last sentence I think I realize I DO in fact have dislexia. I must have spelled 3 words completely backwards. Maybe I should get tested for it.

Ok so last post was about how the holidays suck. I started writing this thinking I was going to talk about how much I hate New Years then realized I wrote about that in my last post. Well since then New Years sucks even more. I got my wish and Skip is keeping his distance. As much as its good for me not to hang out with him so often... in a way it sucks. He was the only friend I had that I saw on a regular basis. So now I am even lonelier then ever. I saw him on Christmas Eve for about 30 minutes. He gave me a Primus DVD. So I had to say I've been just too busy lately to buy him a gift yet. Wonderful huh. So I haven't talked to him since then. I'm pretty sure he won't be stopping by on New Years Eve either.

So my other "friend" Adam invited me to his party. Well Adam's friends are mostly people from our highschool years... people that often made fun and picked on people like me. Not too mention Adam is still hard to be around some times. So he tells me there is going to be this, as he so eloquently puts, Jew broad (I think he must be trying to imitate Joe Pesci from Goodfella's), at the party. This is a girl he claims that he could hook me up with. Ok I haven't been looking for any type of relationship for so long and I am quite socially naive so I'm still not sure what this term Hook up means. I've heard many different meanings for it so I don't trust it anymore. Anyway... I hate New Years so much and I express that very often that I figure if I even go to this thing I'm just going to come off as a miserable pessimist that hates everything which will lead to no one wanting to be around me in turn making me even more miserable. No thanks.

I've decided to not go. The only way I might consider is if he calls me during the party and insists that I show up. Even then I doubt I will.

So... I've been thinking about how miserable I come off to people. The drafting boy here at work said I'm always pissed. Which I completely realize makes people not want to be around me (see previous rant on new years party) or even talk to me. Probably why I don't have any friends anymore. Those that still talk to me put up with a lot of gloom I guess. I think many of the girls that I dated must have not gone on that 3rd date with me because of this. Oh I should mention I have a 2 date curse which I can not overcome. I was telling my friend that if I ever meet a girl that wants a 3rd date I will have to marry her. Apparently by the 2nd date my pessimistic and depressing attitude turns them off so much that they hardly even return phone calls after said date. Hell at this point I should be happy with a 1 date curse. I seriously don't remember what year it was when I last had an official DATE with a girl. This is probably due to the fact that I don't have many friends and those that I do have don't in turn have many single girl friends. So in hanging out with them I rarely meet any new people. If they do have any girl friends they end up being married, or already spoken for. On top of all this my sister has recently been married which now makes my mom focus on my relationships or rather lack there of. You know your pathetic when even your mom wonders why you have never had a girlfriend. My relatives probably think I'm gay. I feel like making an annoucement at the next christmas get together... no no I'm not gay I'm just a really big loser when it comes to girls.

So as it goes finding a relationship through my existing friends just probably isn't going to work. The alternative? Bars, Clubs, parties? Well I never get invited to parties so thats out. The others... well my social anxiety disorder takes care of that. I'll go to the bar now and then but I will NEVER talk to anyone I don't already know. Maybe if someone else introduces me but not myself. I can't do it. I don't know how. Not too mention just thinking about it makes me panic.

So the alternative? Start getting used to the fact that your going to be very lonely for the rest of your life. Well actually the right thing to do instead of thinking about that fact too much is to actually do whatever you have to do, to keep your mind off that sad sad prospect as best you can. Which is hard to do in the first place... until you hit the holidays... and worst yet New Years when everyone is telling you to cheer up and look forward to next year. The next year is going to be different. No, its not going to be different. For 25 years it hasn't been different. (lol just heard the lyric from painted black "your whole world is black" how appropriate)

I guess this brings me to the point that I've often realised or been told. Your never going to find a relationship until your happy with yourself. Easier said than done. First its a vicious cycle. I've often worked very hard at trying to be happy with the way I am. I'm intelligent, successful, been told I have a good sense of humor, etc... I've often been content with my life. Usually by realizing that I could be much worse off. I have my health, my job, shelter, food.... all that good stuff. This can go on for a few months at a time... feeling good. Then I start thinking ok feelin good about myself now its time to find someone else that feels the same way. After a few more failed attempts at lookin for a relationship it all comes crashing down and I start hating myself again. Why didn't they want that third date. Whats wrong with me? What did I say? What did I do wrong. Why don't you like me! Then the negative comments... I will ALWAYS be alone. No one will EVER want to be with someone like me. See what I mean about the cycle? Again the low side of the cycle is quite often triggered by the holidays.

Anyway this is getting really long winded. I know no one reads this crap but if anyone does that has fealt this way about themselves and has turned it around. Please comment and tell me about it. I don't want to hate myself for the rest of my life. I've just been doing it so long that I don't know how to stop.