And now for something completely different, or... not so much

Well I made a post but deleted it. If you read the post it probably sounded like I was about to lose it. So I figured I'd take it off. However due to circumstances in my life I have been feeling very depressed again. Having dealt with depression for as long as I can remember I know when I'm getting bad. If you have ever dealt with it you know what I mean too. It feels like a downward spiral that you positively can't pull yourself out of and no matter what you do it seems like all hope is lost and all thats left to do is give up on life. The good thing is that since I have been through these extremely low times before, I know its possible to feel better. That tiny little shred of hope that things can get better is all you can hang on to. And hang on I will because I don't see the end of this anytime soon. On the other hand I'm going to do all the physical things they tell you to do that will help you feel better. The excersize, the diet, the vitamins, thought replacement. It's all very scientific you know... these things.

Anyway... now that I got all that out of the way, I've realized that CAD Monkey has listed my blog on her links so now I feel obligated to post more often. The other thing is that I've strayed from my original idea of talking about putting up with living in the suburbs, sort of. I do feel that depression, at least personally, can be attributed to the environment we live in. Maybe I havn't strayed as far as I thought but I had wanted to discuss things more on a philosophical level, instead of the more personal level I've been getting into. Maybe I can find a happy medium. I had even pondered changing the title of my blog. As you may have noticed I changed the summary to just constant ramblings. I think I might change that again and leave the main title alone. Fear and Loathing still applys.

Is this thing on?

Ok well it seems I spent to long to post the last time and I lost my readership. All 3 of you. Oh well I guess this is supposed to be a record for my own use too so whatever. I'll keep posting. So I figured I'd post a quick (not so quick) summary of my current situation in life.

1. Life sucks - I'm starting to draw parallels between this strategy game I play and life. I realize that if you look at life like a game... it sucks just a lil less.
2. Work sucks - No matter how hard you try, in some way, work will always suck. I am realizing that the more you get paid, the more you can put up with work sucking.
3. My social life sucks - I meet a new person/possible friend/possible girlfriend maybe once a year. I don't go out enough. Even the friends that still hang out with me, they come over to my house, hang out till 11-12 then leave. I don't really know where they go. I think they go home to have sex. I need a better strategy to get out more often.
4. I don't know how to talk to girls - I attribute this to the fact that I don't have any female friends. Maybe two. One is the girlfriend of my friend. I really think she thinks I'm probably the wierdest person ever. When my friend leaves the room we sit there in uncomfortable silence trying to think of something to say. I really don't know what to say. I figure anything I like to talk about is either wierd and/or dorky to her. I don't often get to see my other female friend but I do talk to her almost everyday through email. However, with email I can think through what I'm trying to say. Most of the time its just our daily rants of why work/life sucks. I must seem like the most pessimistic depressed person in the world to her because everytime we talk about anything its about why it sucks. Although I think I come across that way to just about anyone I talk to. Its hard, I talk so negatively but I TRY my hardest to think positively. I'm such a social retard. If I can't even talk to my female friends without seeming like a dolt how am I supposed to get a girlfriend?
5. Not getting that house really sucks - Yeah still not quite over this one. Almost. Just give me another week or so. I'm sure its not as bad as it seems. I'll be fine. I just want something to fix up so bad. But I'm realizing I still have plenty of projects to keep me distracted. I just need to get back into them. I'm going to get my finances in better shape, keep saving money. This was just a practice run. I'll be more knowledgeable next time I get an insane deal on a house.
6. I'm extremely lonely - I really feel like I don't have someone I can talk to on a personal level. Friends only work so far. When I start talking about personal stuff to my one friend he actually gets mad at me. That makes me feel like crap. The only friend that I can talk to on that level doesn't really understand me. He's married. He's always had a girlfriend since highschool. I have never had one. There is no way he could ever fully understand how I feel right now.
7. Things aren't so bad - Ok here is the most important point in the post. Yeah I know I'm a depressing person. All that stuff I just listed is indeed pessimistic. However (and thats a big however) Life is still the best it ever has been for myself. I've definately learned that life is about looking at what you have instead of what you don't have. I have my health, a loving family, a job that pays well, a nice place to live, good friends, plenty of recreational distractions, and the list goes on. Springs here, the weather is better, my seasonal depression is slowly fading (yeah I know from this post it doesn't sound like it but it is) Time to get out and do some stuff and have some fun. The summer concert season is going to start soon, Bonnaroo is closing in, good times are just waiting to be had.

So the point of this post I guess is that it's all up to how you see things. Changing how you see things is the hard part. But its nothing I can't handle. You know what they say... that which doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. Keep your head up and think positively and everything will turn out for the best. Oh and one final thing that I find helps... keep a good sense of humor, because if you can laugh at it, it can be that bad.

Oh Vivarin oh Vivarin where art thou Vivarin

Note to self... Don't ever forget to bring your Vivarin with you when you plan on partying late. Time to make an appointment with that sleep center.